Today I’m not where I want to be, but I’m where I need to be.
I want to be in Raleigh at Bouchercon. I want to be seeing friends and meeting new ones. I want to be moderating a panel. I want to be watching the fruits of much labor come to fruition.
But I’m not. I’m at home.
I was all set to go, but at the last minute, my body decided that no matter how ready my mind and spirit were, it was just too much. Despite my earnest plan to take it easy, that’s not really possible at Bouchercon, and I don’t have even a little bit of stamina at the moment. Walking a block is really taxing. Standing is exhausting. Talking is tiring.
Accepting this reality was not easy. I fought it as long as I could. But the truth is that next Wednesday we’re getting on a plane to Boston, and that’s a more important journey. I need to rest. So I’ll be following along with events from Raleigh online, and occasionally crying because I’m not there.
Many kind folks have asked how I’m doing, and I’ve started to think of the answer in three parts:
Mentally, I’m fine. The drugs I’m on aren’t making me fuzzy, save for a little while after I first take them in the morning.
Emotionally, I’m kind of a basket case. I’m angry and sad and frustrated and just all over the place. I think (hope) this will improve after I see the docs in Boston next week, because I’ll have some idea of a plan, of what comes next.
Physically, I’m not in pain. Discomfort, occasionally (mild muscle pain in my heart), but all things considered, it could be much worse. I really don’t have any physical energy. I’m fine sitting down doing stuff, but moving around is exhausting. I’m sleeping ok, which helps.
I didn’t anticipate the effect this would have on my blood sugar. Basically, when one has Type 1 diabetes, blood sugar is affected by lots of things, including exercise, which lowers it. Because my heart is working so hard to move blood (my resting heart rate is well over 100 all the time; healthy is down around 60), it’s like I’m exercising all the time. As a result, my blood sugar has been getting low unexpectedly. This is easily treatable; it’s just one more thing to be vigilant about.
I’ve noticed too that any anxiety or stress has immediate, physical repercussions. My heart races and bangs on my chest, and in the blink of an eye, I suddenly feel like I just ran a mile. Of everything that’s going on, that’s the easiest to deal with, really.
So that’s where I am at the moment. I am still buoyed by the messages of love and support I’m getting. When I get to feeling really down especially, they help tremendously.
Thank you for reading. And if you’re in Raleigh, please go give someone a hug for me now.