It’s been a weird few days. Health-wise, I’m feeling OK. The pills are doing what they should, and I can breathe and sleep (for 7 hours last night—yay!). I’m hyper-aware of how my heart is beating, when it goes faster or slower, and when I can feel it banging on my chest.
I’ve always been someone who is comforted by information. The more I know, the more empowered I feel. Research is my thing. For the first time, though, I can’t handle reading about my condition. I’ve tried, and it just freaks me out. So I still don’t completely understand the mechanics of what’s wrong with my heart, and I’m OK with that. From what I have read, the walls of my heart have thickened, and so the valves aren’t working right.
I figure once I see Dr. Desai, I’ll understand it much better. Until then, I’m just glad it’s still beating.
Emotionally, I’ve been kind of a mess. I find myself crying spontaneously, and I’m not a crier normally. I’m mad as hell. Like, really, truly, deeply furious. This is what it is and I’m confident that we’re doing everything right that we can to address it, but I’m not done living, dammit. I try to be a good person. Try to make a positive impact when I can. And I need my heart.
I’m still finding solace in work, quite a lot of it. I am enormously grateful for that. And the docs gave me the all-clear to go to Bouchercon, so in a little less than a week, we’re going to drive up to Raleigh. I’m looking forward to that even more now than I would have been anyway.
And here’s a weird thing: Almost all of the major events in my life have happened in October. So the month that starts tomorrow will be an interesting one, I’m sure.
Thank you for your messages, comments, emails, and calls. They truly do help.