I’ve been debating posting this, mostly because there are important conversations around health going on at the moment, and my problems are minuscule next to what some people are dealing with. But I’ve been scared and worried, and I’m hoping writing it down will banish it from my head so I can spend less time worrying on it. But I want to be clear: I’m ok. Many people are not. Anything we can do to help those who need it is where our energy should be.

How are your ankles?

Anyone who has any kind of heart issue has heard this, because when your heart isn’t working right, your body retains fluid, and the retention is visible in the ankles. So I’ve learned to watch my ankles carefully. Ok, maybe obsessively. Tomato, tomahtoe.

A few weeks back, I noticed some swelling in my left ankle. I watched it over the course of a few days because sometimes it shows up but then disappears a few days later. This time, it seemed to be sticking around. But it wasn’t severe, so I didn’t panic. I also started feeling a bit of fluid on my chest at night, but again, nothing dramatic. No cause for alarm.

I had an appointment with Dr. Fradley last week, my routine check of my bionic parts. Since I was there, I asked him about my ankle. He took a look and confirmed that yes, there was some fluid retention there. Not a lot, but he said I should definitely call Dr. Mackie’s office to let them know.

So I did that, and they increased my lasix (a diuretic that I take every day) for a few days (to 40 mg twice a day instead of just once). This helped. But when I stopped taking the extra dose, the swelling came back. So they said I should take the extra dose every other day this week and check in on Monday. If the swelling was still coming back, they’d bring me in for an echocardiogram to make sure my heart function hasn’t decreased.

That scared me.

Because right now, I’m on optimum (maximum) doses of the heart meds, and they’re working, keeping my heart functioning at a serviceable level. But the thing is, there’s no way to know conclusively how long they’ll keep working. The hope, of course, is that it’s a long time. The fear is that it isn’t.

I feel fine, though. “My” fine, that is, but fine nonetheless. I don’t think my ejection fraction has dropped. But I wouldn’t necessarily feel a small drop, and it’s important to catch these things early, so if they tell me to come in for an echo, of course I will.

But I don’t want to.

I don’t want bad news. I don’t want to have to take a different diuretic, because some of the other ones can be more effective but cause kidney problems. And I have enough problems.

So for now, I’m gonna keep believing that everything is fine and this is just some kind of weird thing my body is doing for reasons that might or might not be explicable. Because that does happen. And come Monday, maybe the fluid retention will just have disappeared.

I think that’s what will happen.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for taking this worry from me. Thank you for being the amazing people you are.